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Who Wants to be a Millionaire


(From Greta.)

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the
final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000
milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.

It was:

Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest,
but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline,
and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:
The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer
is ............ absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks."


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posted by Patrick 9:14 AM

THANK YOU...............


(From Greta.)


I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to
send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you,
thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick
from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this email to at least 1200 people in the next 60
seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your
armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a
friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd
husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!


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posted by Patrick 9:00 AM

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas! Some scenes from New York City to get everyone in the mood.

(Courtesy of Ron, my former boss. Good Luck and Godspeed in his retirement. Yes, the pictures are repeats from the past, but they capture the spirit and felling like no others.)

The Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center



The Christmas Tree at the New York Stock Exchange



The New York Stock Exchange



The Bull Is Charging Back! Will The Dow End Over 11,000 for 2005?



The Brooklyn Bridge

posted by Patrick 12:01 AM

New Jersey Slogan Search Bars Sarcasm

(From Dan.)

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (Reuters) -- New Jersey, trying to overcome its reputation for corruption, traffic and toxic waste dumps, has rejected dozens of sardonic and sarcastic entries in a contest for a new tourist slogan. (Sorry, no link.)

A list of five possible slogans released Wednesday leaves out:

1) "New Jersey: We can always use another relative on the payroll," and

2) "Come to New Jersey: It's not as bad as it smells."

Other previous winners included:

1) New Jersey: You can't smell it in California

2) New Jersey: Someone's Gotta Live There!!

3) New Jersey: Where you get in for free, but pay a toll to get out.

4) New Jersey: Worth the Toll to Leave

5) New Jersey: Where Trash Gets Picked up, but the women don't.


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posted by Patrick 6:53 AM

CHRISTMAS COOKIE RECIPE


(From Marian.)

Try this recipe and let me know how your cookies turn out.

Here's a great Christmas Cookie recipe that I thought you might want
to try this year:

1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 T lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the
Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS


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posted by Patrick 6:46 AM

Night Prayers

(From Greta.)

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.


Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a 72” plasma TV, liquor store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Amen.


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posted by Patrick 6:14 AM

Holiday Party


(From Pamela.)

To: undisclosed-recipients:
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 8:00 AM
Subject: Holiday party


December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ...

Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."? The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

Human Resources Director

----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the able that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since? The union members feel that $10
is too much money.

Patty Lewis

Human Researchers Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis

Human Racehorses Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis

Human Ratraces

----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at
the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll
get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.?

But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.? They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream.? I'm hearing them right now... Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

-------------------------------------------------------------------

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness.? I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Terri Bishop

Acting Human Resources Director


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posted by Patrick 7:12 AM

A DINNER CONVERSATION THAT WENT WRONG


(From Greta.)

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes low groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence--

HUSBAND: "Shit."


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posted by Patrick 6:28 AM

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