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Thanks To All The Lawyers...

(From Pamela.)

A few more items to make you feel a little more secure.? In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(...and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(Just a suggestion, though.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(A little late now.)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(...but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(...as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(Other use?? Like what?? Anybody?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(...talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat > nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(And this warning is there because someone thought it would!? Where were Mom and Dad?)>

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


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posted by Patrick 1:36 AM

How to Tell if Your Cat is Real!

(From Pamela.)


A true cat will endure discomfort for hours and wait patiently until 3 AM to cough up a hairball on your bed.

A true cat always comes between you and your newspaper.

A true cat would rather eat what you're having, even if what you fixed for him is better than what you fixed for yourself.

A true cat waits until you are watching your favorite TV show before asking to go out, and come in, and go out, and come in, etc.

True cats have perfected the guilt-provoking stare.

A true cat prefers your flower bed to her litter box.

A true cat never willingly laps up hairball remedy, no matter what the instructions on the package say.

A true cat can find and discard the smallest pill in the largest heap of food.

That's why administering a pill to a true cat is a two-person job.

Sometimes a three-person job.

A true cat doesn't do tricks.

A true cat abhors a closed door.

When caught misbehaving, a true cat pretends he was doing something else.

-----

posted by Patrick 1:04 AM

Information Technology & Management

(From Pamela.)

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."

______________________________________________________________________

posted by Patrick 7:51 AM

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