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2005 Darwin Awards

(From Greta, our correspondent in Astoria.)

You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are.............



* IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION:

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

* TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Shit happens!"


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posted by Patrick 2:09 PM

More Memories from the 70s...

(Forwarded by Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge, and Marian, our correspondent in Narrowsburg.)

Had me laughing out loud - people must have been thinking I was out of
my mind. Scary stuff...

Click the cards...

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html


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posted by Patrick 6:26 AM

BSTV-The Best Shows on TeleVision

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

This web site is pretty funny, and shows what lengths people will go to for reality shows:

http://www.bstv.tv/


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posted by Patrick 3:39 PM

Flatterer

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning!

Click on the line below and then type in your first name...

<http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html>


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posted by Patrick 3:27 PM

The Darwin Award Winners:

(From John, our correspondent in Narrowsburg.)

They're back - Darwin Awards -- Yes, it's that magical time of the
year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least
evolved among us.

Here then, are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

*And now, the honorable mentions:*

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for two hours to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find that a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a UniMart, put a 20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled, leaving the 20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime
been committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
Then the chuckles started. The security guard completely lost it and
doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
about to draw his gun, and he couldn't possibly have drawn and fired
before the thief shot him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved
with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window
was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to th e store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!*

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted
to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


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posted by Patrick 3:41 PM

Heaven -- and Health

(From Pamela.)

Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink, as much as you like and whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my blood sugar, or blood pressure, or....?" "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your bran muffins! We could have been here 15 years ago!"

--
Remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to
the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, wine in the
other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"

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posted by Patrick 3:26 PM

Living Will

(From Pam.)

Living Will, Version 2005


I, _______________________________, being of sound
mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely
by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
This goes especially for Tom DeLay, who cuts off life
support for his vegetative-state father but characterizes
other people's private and well-reasoned decisions
to do the same as murderous and evil.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for a cold beer (could be changed to
chocolate), it should be presumed that I won't ever
get better. When such a determination is reached,
I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending
physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and
call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support
machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind
their own damn business, and pay attention instead
to the health, education and future of the millions of
Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into
this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes
they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency
in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with
someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots
send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend
to care about me. I don't know these people, and
I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and
crusade on my behalf. They should mind their
own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns
my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to
come back from the grave and make his or her
existence a living hell.

Signature _______________ ___________________

Witness________________ ___________________




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posted by Patrick 7:24 AM

Cellphone Do Not Call List

From Greta, our correspondent in Astoria.)


JUST A REMINDER...

In a few weeks, ALL wireless phone numbers are being released
to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sales calls.

YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE CALLS...

To prevent this, call the following number from
your cell phone: (888) 382-1222. It is the National DO NOT CALL list. It will
only take a minute of your time. It blocks your number for five (5) years.

This is a valid phone number and you may verify at http://www.donotcall.gov/<http://www.donotcall.gov/>

You can register on line.

PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS


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posted by Patrick 4:36 PM

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

(From Bob, our correspondent in Bayside.)

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for
diabetes.


Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.



We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms.........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.


We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we
were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live in us forever.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!


This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!



The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.



We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!



You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own
good.


Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't

it?!


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posted by Patrick 4:18 PM

YOU ARE WHAT NEWSPAPER YOU READ

(From John, our correspondent in Narrowsburg.)


1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country
and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't
really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics
shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country--if they could find the time--and if they didn't have to leave Southern
California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and
did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running
the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country
as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need
the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they
stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped
minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any
other country or galaxy, provided, of course, they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.

12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the
ground.

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posted by Patrick 9:43 AM

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