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Entries To the Bad Writing Contest at San Jose State

(From Gene.)


As she fell face down into the black muck of the mud-wrestling pit, her sweaty 300-pound opponent muttering soft curses in Latin on top of her, Sister Marie thought, "There is no doubt about it, the Pope has betrayed me."
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Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, most memorable space voyage of my career.


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Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yeilding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.

posted by Patrick 5:20 AM

Mangled Prose

(From Gene.)


"Over 70,000 people will be conjugating this week to talk about the economy, retail sales, the environment, exporting, and the housing market, and it is somewhere other than Houston for the Republican National Convention."

--Opening sentence in a press release for the National Hardware Show.(1992)

posted by Patrick 5:10 AM

WEEK AT THE GYM

(From Pamela.)

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine...


> >Dear Diary...
> >
> >For my forty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
> >week of personal training at the local health club for me.
> >
> >Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
> >team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
> >give it a try.
> >
> >Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> >Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
> >model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
> >enthusiasm to get started!
> >
> >The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
> >
> >Monday:
> >
> >Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
> >worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
> >me.
> >
> >She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
> >a dazzling white smile.
> >
> >Woo Hoo!
> >
> >Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
> >after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was
> >so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
> >aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
> >conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
> >
> >Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
> >gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> >
> >This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> >
> >Tuesday:
> >
> >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> >Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
> >air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> >treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
> >all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
> >
> >It's a whole new life for me.
> >
> >Wednesday:
> >
> >The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
> >counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> >hernia in both pectorals.
> >
> >Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop I parked on top
> >of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> >
> >Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> >club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
> >and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> >
> >My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> >stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> >activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> >
> >Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
> >some other shit too.
> >
> >Thursday:
> >
> >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> >thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
> >a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
> >me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
> >in the men's room.
> >
> >She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
> >machine - which I sank.
> >
> >Friday:
> >
> >I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any
> >other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
> >little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
> >unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> >
> >Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
> >if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**
> >barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure
> >you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
> >laude from.)
> >
> >The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> >teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
> >or the choir director?
> >
> >Saturday:
> >
> >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> >voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> >want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> >strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> >hours of the Weather Channel.
> >
> >Sunday:
> >
> >I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> >thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> >wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a
> >vasectomy.
>
> _________________________________________________________________

posted by Patrick 4:11 AM

Alternate Meanings for Various Words

(From John.)

1. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

2. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

3. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

4. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.

5. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

6. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

7. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

8. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

posted by Patrick 8:35 AM

The Big Sissy...

(From Colemans.)

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep
with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

posted by Patrick 11:08 AM

Juvenile Felis Catus


(From Pamela.)


For the full story, Click Here...

posted by Patrick 7:13 AM

DEBATE SCOUTING REPORT

(A special thanks to Tara, our Upper Left Side correspondent, for this timely update.)

Senator John Kerry's Very Special Debate Podium




President Bush's Debate Notes

posted by Patrick 11:20 AM

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