archives

Irish Confession

(From Pamela.)


"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is.

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads."

posted by Patrick 4:18 AM

IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION

(From Mal.)

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy
vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have the weight of two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!! "It's the
best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food , exercise, and diets. Have a cookie...


One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and
salt."

posted by Patrick 8:13 AM

Website of the Day


LONELY PAMPHLETEER REVIEW

"[L]iberty of the press is the right of the lonely pamphleteer...as much as the large metropolitan publisher..."

White,J.,Branzburg v Hayes, 408 U.S.,665,704 (1972)

posted by Patrick 6:50 AM

Differences: Men and Women

(From Bob.)

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female......Any part under a car's hood.

Male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n

Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male.....Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.

Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female..A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male.....A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

posted by Patrick 6:30 AM

Stereotypes...

(From Eugene.)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up
a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of
the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are
the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who
is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all
categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me
Bubba."

posted by Patrick 1:46 PM

Kerryism

(From David, at Lonely Pamphleteer Review.)


My name is John F. Kerry, war hero who's anti-war
Right now I'm not merry, but really quite sore

I demand an end to unwarranted attacks
If Bush doesn't stop, I'm not going to be lax

Obviously I'm bold, brilliant and brave
follow my lead, our country to save

From evil forces, nasty and malicious
greedy, grasping and also capricious

After I'm president the Republican fate I will seal
As I embark on my program: my governing Big Deal

An end to the GOP and their political hate speech
My words will be law, and how wide my reach

posted by Patrick 1:29 PM

MEMBER OF VILLAGE PEOPLE ADMITS HE IS GOVERNOR OF IDAHO

(From Pamela.)

Band Members, Disco Fans Stunned

A member of the prominent disco band The Village People shocked fans and fellow
band members alike today by admitting at a press conference that he is actually
the Governor of Idaho.

The Indian Chief, a key member of the disco ensemble since its founding in the
1970's, choked back tears as he made his confession at a crowded press
conference in lower Manhattan.

"For some time now, I have been struggling with a truth about myself, but
now the time has come for me to share that truth with the world," the
Indian Chief said.

"I am the Governor of Idaho."

The Indian Chief's secret life as Governor of Idaho came as a total surprise
even to such fellow band-members as the Construction Worker, the Biker and the
Cowboy.

"In retrospect, he did seem to be signing a lot of papers all the time, but
I never would have guessed it was legislation," the Construction
Worker told reporters.

But moments after the Indian Chief's emotional press conference, angry fans
around the world were calling for his immediate resignation from the Village
People.

"I feel betrayed that a guy I thought was a full-time Village Person was
actually sneaking around being Governor of Idaho on the side," said David
Giulardi, 48, a fan of the band since the 1970's. "The credibility of the
Village People is at stake."

Elsewhere, President Bush announced that 70,000 troops withdrawn from Europe and
Asia would be used at the end of this month to keep protesters away from the
Republican National Convention.

posted by Patrick 5:58 AM

Election Limericks

(From Pamela.)


"My Case" by John Kerry

I'll keep us from warfare horrific,
And you'll find that your sleep is terrific,
For I'm an uncommon ex-
Ample of Sominex:
My speeches are so soporific.



"My Case" by George W. Bush

I shout it in verbibage that will resignate:
Me as your leader you should designate!
At preventing wars nucular
I'd be spoctucular,
So this time, elect me as presignate!

posted by Patrick 8:59 AM

Sometimes in life, you just need a little push...

(From Colemans.)


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door to find a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain.

The drunk asks him "Could you give me a push?"

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the
morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was
that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you
help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning
and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you
remember about three months ago when our car broke down and
those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?"
calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

posted by Patrick 8:48 AM

Kitty Cat Haikus

(From Pamela.)

The food in my bowl

Is old, and-more to the point-

Contains no tuna


So you want to play.

Will I claw at dancing string?

Your ankle's closer.


There's no dignity

In being sick-which is why

I don't tell you where.


Seeking solitude

I am locked in the closet

For once I need you


Tiny can, dumped in Plastic bowl.

Presentation, One star;

Service:none


Am I in your way?

You seem to have it backwards:

This pillow's taken.


Your mouth is moving;

Up and down, emitting noise.

I've lost interest.


The dog wags his tail, Seeking approval.

See mine?

Different message.


My brain: walnut-sized

Yours: largest among primates.

Yet, who leaves for work?


Most problems can be Ignored.

The more difficult

Ones can be slept through


My affection is conditional.

Don't stand up,

It's your lap I love.


Cats can't steal the breath

Of children. But if my tail's

Pulled again, I'll learn.


I don't mind being

Teased, any more than you mind

A skin graft or two.


So you call this thing

Your "cat carrier". I call

These my "blades of death".


Toy mice, dancing yarn

Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:

You're an idiot.

posted by Patrick 12:22 AM

FAQ about HMO

(From Pamela, our correpsondent in Bay Ridge.)

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A.This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eyes.

Q. I just signed up for Medical Insurance. How difficult will it be to choose
the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors
basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the
plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma
from a Third World country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home ! and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my
problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in
his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment,
what's the harm in letting him take a shot at it?

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

posted by Patrick 8:12 AM

Dog on a Skateboard

(From Pamela.)

This is funny!

Click Here.

posted by Patrick 7:38 AM

A Special for Computer Users

(From Pamela.)

If you spend more than 20 hours a week on the computer:

Click Here.

posted by Patrick 4:20 AM

WHAT MAKES 100%

(From Bob.)

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:




What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?




Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:




If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.




Then:




H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%








and






K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%




But,




A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%




And,




B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%




AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.




A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%




So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

posted by Patrick 2:27 AM

TO REALIZE...

(From Pamela.)

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has
Given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has
Won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

Time waits For no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Do not keep this letter.

Forward it to friends to whom you wish good luck
Peace, love and prosperity to all!

posted by Patrick 2:13 AM

A recent study...

(From Marian, our correspondent in Sullivan County.)


> > A recent study found out which days men prefer to

> > have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage

> > in sexual activity on the days that started with the

> > letter "T".

> >

> > Examples of those days are as follows:

> >

> > Tuesday

> >

> > Thursday

> >

> > Thanksgiving

> >

> > Today

> >

> > Tomorrow

> >

> > Thaturday

> >

> > Thunday

> > _________________________________

> >

> > A recent survey was conducted to discover why men

> > get out of bed in the middle of the night:

> >

> > 5% said it was to get a glass of water

> >

> > 12% said it was to go to the toilet

> >

> > 83% said it was to go home

> >

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?

> >

> > (A) Nudity

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a

> > wife?

> >

> > (A) 45 lbs

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

> >

> > (A) 45 minutes

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"

> >

> > (A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What do you call a smart blonde?

> >

> > (A) A golden retriever

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What' s the difference between a southern zoo

> > and a northern zoo?

> >

> > (A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal

> > on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

> >

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q ) What's the difference between a northern

> > fairytale and a southern fairytale?

> >

> > (A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".

> >

> > A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna

> > believe this shit.

posted by Patrick 1:44 PM

Someone Good at Scrabble

(From Pamela.)

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you
rearrange the letters (with no letters left over and using each letter only
once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

posted by Patrick 7:13 AM

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