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MEDICAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED

(From Pamela.)

> Q. What does HMO stand for?

> > >A.This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

>Q. I just signed up for Medical Insurance. How difficult will it
be to choose the doctor I want?

> > >A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.

These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan.

But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.

>Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

> > >A. No. Only those you need.

>Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

>A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

>Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

> > >A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment

>Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the
name brand.

I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.

What should I do?

> > >A. Poke yourself in the eye.

>Q. What if I'm away from home ! and I get sick?

> > >A. You really shouldn't do that.

>Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem.

Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

> > >A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, what's the harm in letting him take a shot at it?

>Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

> > >A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

posted by Patrick 3:07 PM

An Important Question

(From Pamela.)

Do you spend too much time on the computer?

If you answered yes, CLICK HERE.

posted by Patrick 12:56 PM

Ten Reasons Why Golf is Better than Sex

(From Bob)

> > #10 - A below par performance is considered good.
> >
> > #9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
> >
> > #8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
> >
> > #7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
> >
> > #6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.
> >
> > #5 - Three times a day is possible.
> >
> > #4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
> >
> > #3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
> >
> > #2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're
> > finished.
> >
> > And best of all................
> >
> > #1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
> >
> >

posted by Patrick 12:21 PM

What Makes 100%?

(From Bob, our Bayside correspondent.)

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?




Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:




If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.




Then:




H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%








and






K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%




But,




A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%




And,




B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%




AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.




A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%




So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.



------------------------------------------------------------------

posted by Patrick 11:47 AM

To Realize...

(From Pamela.)

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has
Given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has
Won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

Time waits For no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Do not keep this letter.

Forward it to friends to whom you wish good luck
Peace, love and prosperity to all!

posted by Patrick 6:41 AM

A Recent Study...

(From Marian.)

A recent study found out which days men prefer to
> > have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage
> > in sexual activity on the days that started with the
> > letter "T".
> >
> > Examples of those days are as follows:
> >
> > Tuesday
> >
> > Thursday
> >
> > Thanksgiving
> >
> > Today
> >
> > Tomorrow
> >
> > Thaturday
> >
> > Thunday
> > _________________________________
> > A recent survey was conducted to discover why men
> > get out of bed in the middle of the night:
> >
> > 5% said it was to get a glass of water
> >
> > 12% said it was to go to the toilet
> >
> > 83% said it was to go home
> >__________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?
> >
> > (A) Nudity
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
> >
> > (A) 45 lbs
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
> >
> > (A) 45 minutes
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"
> >
> > (A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
> >
> > (A) A golden retriever
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What' s the difference between a southern zoo
> > and a northern zoo?
> >
> > (A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal
> > on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q ) What's the difference between a northern
> > fairytale and a southern fairytale?
> >
> > (A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".
> >
> > A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna
> > believe this shit.

posted by Patrick 6:32 AM

Someone good at Scrabble

(From Pamela.)

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you
rearrange the letters (with no letters left over and using each letter only
once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

posted by Patrick 3:25 PM

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