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Subject: This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on!

(From Pamela.)

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be
a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your
eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

*** Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen,
you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. I don't know how...

posted by Patrick 4:15 PM

Quote of the Day!

(From Pamela.)

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and
Germany doesn't want to go to war."

posted by Patrick 9:43 AM

A CAT'S PRAYER

(From Pamela T., a well known cat person.)

http://www.poofcat.com/pet4.html

posted by Patrick 4:28 PM

Not sure if these are true but it was interesting reading:

(From Pamela T. )


Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just so, think about how things used to be...Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today, of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it-hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, Hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway-hence, a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while -hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up -- hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of
25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... (And whoever said that History was boring?)

posted by Patrick 4:25 PM

REAL MEN QUESTIONNAIRE

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this,
and you will have come far in understanding men and enriching your own life...

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship,
they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is
capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence
all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

> > A. Present it to the President of the United States.
> > B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
> > C. Take it apart.
> >
> > 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
> > miss the
> > most?

> > A. Innocence.
> > B. Idealism.
> > C. Cherry bombs.
> >
> > 3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

> > A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
> > narrow- minded social conventions.
> > B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
> > C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
> > really
> > sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have
> > to
> > have him killed.
> >
> > 4. What about hugging another male?

> > A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
> > B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
> > C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
> > run to
> > win the World Series, you may hug him, provided that:

> > (1) He is legally within the base path,
> > (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
> > (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
> > fractures.
> >
> > 5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

> > A. A cat.
> > B. A dog.
> > C. A dog that eats cats.
> >
> > 6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
> > intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
> > afternoon the two of you are taking it easy- you're watching a football
> > game;
> > she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky,
> > tells
> > you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear
> > the
> > uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says
> > she's
> > not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe
> > that you
> > have some kind of future together. What do you say?

> > A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
> > don't
> > want to rush it.
> > B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
> > honestly
> > say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and
> > you
> > don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
> > C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
> > seventeen.
> >
> > 7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
> >
> > spend the rest of your life with her sharing the joys and the sorrows,
> > the
> > world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

> > A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
> > B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
> > when
> > she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in
> > her
> > eyes, you tell her.
> > C. Tell her what?
> >
> > 8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
> > get
> > your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

> > A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
> > B. "They're in school already?"
> > C. "There are three of them?"
> >
> > 9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

> > A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
> > so
> > large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your
> > legs.
> > B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
> > has to
> > be handled with tweezers.
> > C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
> > the
> > garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but
> > this
> > would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which
> > she is
> > frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate
> > relationship with it than with her.
> >
> > 10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
> > fact
> > that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
> > they
> > finally got to the Promised Land?

> > A. He was being tested.
> > B. He refused to ask for directions.
> > C. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
> > finally
> > got there.
> >
> > 11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

> > A. Democracy.
> > B. Religion.
> > C. Remote control.
>

posted by Patrick 4:23 PM

Wrapping Presents (With a Cat)

(From Pamela T., a well known cat lover.)


1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close
door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer
since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore
the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present
came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't
reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent
sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as
possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing
last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right
size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and
re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small
area
of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing
down
tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate
with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself
on
making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious
conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to
lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door
is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as
they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped
present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the
darn thing for you.

posted by Patrick 4:12 PM

Lessons from our pets.

http://www.debsfunpages.com/pets5.htm

Lessons from our pets

posted by Patrick 4:09 PM

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