archives

Obituary of the Mr. Common Sense


(From John.)


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

1. Knowing when to come in out of the rain
2. Why the early bird gets the worm
3. Life isn't always fair and
4. Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teenagers suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded with a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 step-brothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, you may like to pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.


.

posted by Patrick 12:45 PM

Importance of Proofreading


(From John.)

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head
abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the
dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are
held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds
of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the
"R"!!.

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" *With a
choking voice, the old abbot replies ........

*
"The word was celebrate !!!!"


.

posted by Patrick 5:48 AM

New Words for 2006

(From Pamela.)

(Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!)

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SIT COMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example -- Michael Jackson, another...

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an e-mail by mistake)

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

.

posted by Patrick 11:47 AM

Father's Day Gift Selection Made Easy


(From Pamela.)

Since the Father's Day is fast approaching here are the do's and don't of gift buying. Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1

When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have to many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey Tom, can I borrow your ratchet".
"OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8 socket yet". Again, know one knows
why.

Rule # 3

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. If you are from a place that don't have much ice, then a good he-man bumper sticker will do just fine. No one knows why.

Rule # 5

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones he has worn out. If you have a lot of money buy him a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips.

Rule #6

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 25 years. A six pack of beer will do just fine.

Rule # 7

Do not buy any man an industrial size canisters of after shave or deodorant. A small
bottle of Old Spice and a small can of Right Guard will do just fine.

Rule #8

Buy men label markers. Almost as good as a cordless drill. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks, shorts, cups. Door, locks, sink. You get the picture. No one knows why

Rule # 9

Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will
ruin his special day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10

Good places to shop for men include Northwest iron works, A1 lumber, Lowe's, NAPA auto parts, Sears Clearance Centers, and sporting good stores are excellent men's stores.

Rule #11

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook-but will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue grill with a 100 pound propane tank.

Rule #12

Tickets to a football game are a great gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to the Ballet. Everyone knows why.

Rule # 13

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule # 8 and what happened when he got a label maker.

Rule # 14

It's hard to beat a real good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule # 15

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origin, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8 inch manila rope. No one knows why.


.

posted by Patrick 4:14 PM

How Smart Are You?


(From Nora P.)


Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.

You have to answer them instantly.

You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Add another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right....

....Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He just has to open his mouth and ask...


.

posted by Patrick 5:31 AM

The Universe


(From Pamela.)


Try this web site and turn up the sound. This clever piece originated in Australia. It's also very informative. Just click once on the link below.

Be patient. It will start by itself.

http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf


.

posted by Patrick 5:04 AM

The Seamstress

(From Pamela.)

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My
dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for
their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is
this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along
the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared
under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are
you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress .

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would
have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not
be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes'
to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women


.

posted by Patrick 6:13 PM

Cinderella's Cat


(From Pamela.)


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied,

"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,

"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,

"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."


.

posted by Patrick 10:01 AM

A golden oldie but still good...


(From Pamela.)


What to Give Mama...

Four brothers left home for college and became successful doctors and
lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
Bible.

It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It can hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm
nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin. You were the only son to have the sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."


.

posted by Patrick 9:40 AM

home