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Cinderella's Cat


(From Pamela.)


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied,

"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,

"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,

"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."


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posted by Patrick 10:01 AM

A golden oldie but still good...


(From Pamela.)


What to Give Mama...

Four brothers left home for college and became successful doctors and
lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
Bible.

It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It can hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm
nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin. You were the only son to have the sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."


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posted by Patrick 9:40 AM

Subject: A Math Problem -- From 1950 to 2006


(From Pamela.)



Why The Kids Can't Make Change at Home Depot


1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?


2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers.)


6. Teaching Math In 2006


Un lenador que se dedica a oprimir a los pobres trabajadores y destruir el
medio ambiente destroza un bosque y los hogares de miles de ardillas y
pajaritos para vender la madera por $100. Dado que no le paga a los pobres
immigrantes que cortaron la madera, que tipo de justicia _social_ se merece?


~May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person
who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.


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posted by Patrick 9:50 AM

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION


(From Pamela.)


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single ! one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.




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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!


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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !


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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

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posted by Patrick 9:47 AM

*The Ten Commandments of Marriage *


(From Gene.)


*Commandment 1. *

Marriages are made in heaven. But, so again, are thunder and lightning.

*Commandment 2. *

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

*Commandment 3 *.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

*Commandment 4. *

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

**Commandment 5. **

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

*Commandment 6 *.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

**Commandment 7. **

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

*Commandment 8. *

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

*Commandment 9. *

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

*Commandment 10. *

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..


*Bonus Commandment story:

*A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works."

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posted by Patrick 9:24 AM

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