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Texas Chili Contest


(From Greta.)


Warning: If you can read this whole story without laughing out
loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:(Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
remove dried paint from your driveway.Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili....

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed
from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin,and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
farted, passed out fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd
have reacted...


.

posted by Patrick 6:11 AM

READ EACH SENTENCE SLOWLY AND THINK ABOUT IT


(From Bob.)


Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.

BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead,
you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.


Send this on to everyone special in your life,
even the people who really make you mad sometimes
and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!


And send it back to the person who sent it to you
if they mea something to you!!

Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

Just send this to (4) people and see what happens on the
fourth day.

Do not break this, please. There is no cost, but lots of
rewards.


.

posted by Patrick 7:06 AM

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posted by Patrick 6:48 AM

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