archives

Dogs Versus Cats


(From Pamela.)


DOG'S DIARY

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

CAT'S DIARY

Day 483 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild
satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this
on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, that did not work according to plan...

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers
of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use
it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a
half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I have patience, I can wait...


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posted by Patrick 6:10 AM

Tech Support


(From Pamela.)


Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and
Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User


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posted by Patrick 5:50 AM

Police Comments


(From Gene.)


The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."



And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


.

posted by Patrick 10:42 AM

The New Alphabet


(From Pamela.)


A is for apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now:

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and water retention

G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is lost hearing--now what did you say?

M is memory lapses occurring all day.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few; Just give me a pill and I'll be
good as new!

Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?

X is for x-ray and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I've kept twenty-six
doctors fully employed.

--
We do not remember days but moments. Life moves too fast, so take the time
to enjoy every precious moment


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posted by Patrick 7:47 AM

The Value of a Drink

(From Bob.)

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


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posted by Patrick 1:11 PM

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