archives

Cinderella's Cat


(From Pamela.)


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied,

"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,

"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,

"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."


.

posted by Patrick 10:01 AM

A golden oldie but still good...


(From Pamela.)


What to Give Mama...

Four brothers left home for college and became successful doctors and
lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
Bible.

It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It can hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm
nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin. You were the only son to have the sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."


.

posted by Patrick 9:40 AM

Subject: A Math Problem -- From 1950 to 2006


(From Pamela.)



Why The Kids Can't Make Change at Home Depot


1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?


2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers.)


6. Teaching Math In 2006


Un lenador que se dedica a oprimir a los pobres trabajadores y destruir el
medio ambiente destroza un bosque y los hogares de miles de ardillas y
pajaritos para vender la madera por $100. Dado que no le paga a los pobres
immigrantes que cortaron la madera, que tipo de justicia _social_ se merece?


~May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person
who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.


.

posted by Patrick 9:50 AM

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION


(From Pamela.)


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single ! one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.




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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!


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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !


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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

.

posted by Patrick 9:47 AM

*The Ten Commandments of Marriage *


(From Gene.)


*Commandment 1. *

Marriages are made in heaven. But, so again, are thunder and lightning.

*Commandment 2. *

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

*Commandment 3 *.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

*Commandment 4. *

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

**Commandment 5. **

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

*Commandment 6 *.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

**Commandment 7. **

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

*Commandment 8. *

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

*Commandment 9. *

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

*Commandment 10. *

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..


*Bonus Commandment story:

*A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works."

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posted by Patrick 9:24 AM

Modern Day Manners


(From Bob.)


During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! !"

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence
for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted.


.

posted by Patrick 12:23 PM

Job Description

(From Gene.)


One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came up--fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, CPA, architect, engineer,
political consultant, and so forth.

But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front
of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with
him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.


.

posted by Patrick 1:24 PM

Exchange between Two Superpowers


(From Gene.)


"It is said that, just before the Sino-Soviet split, Nikita Krushchev had a tense meeting with Zhou Enlai at which he told the latter that he now understood the problem. 'I am the son of coal miners,' he said. 'You are the descendant of feudal mandarins. We have nothing in common.' 'Perhaps we do,' murmured his Chinese antagonist. 'What?' blustered Krushchev. 'We are,' responded Zhou, 'both traitors to our class.'"

---Christopher Hitchens reviewing Peter Y. Sussman's Decca: The Letters of Jessica Mitford in The Atlantic Monthly.


.

posted by Patrick 8:56 AM

Proof of Ownership


(From Gene.)


For our international colleagues, the FHA is the US Federal Housing Authority.

Proof of Ownership

You gotta love this lawyer - It's too good not to share! Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

'For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

'Now, the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

"God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

"Now, may we have our dxxx loan?" [He got the loan.]


.

posted by Patrick 8:51 AM

Texas Chili Contest


(From Greta.)


Warning: If you can read this whole story without laughing out
loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:(Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
remove dried paint from your driveway.Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili....

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed
from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin,and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
farted, passed out fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd
have reacted...


.

posted by Patrick 6:11 AM

READ EACH SENTENCE SLOWLY AND THINK ABOUT IT


(From Bob.)


Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.

BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead,
you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.


Send this on to everyone special in your life,
even the people who really make you mad sometimes
and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!


And send it back to the person who sent it to you
if they mea something to you!!

Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

Just send this to (4) people and see what happens on the
fourth day.

Do not break this, please. There is no cost, but lots of
rewards.


.

posted by Patrick 7:06 AM

The Refdesk Site of the Day is:


Animal Planet: Cat Guide

The Cat Guide provides information on many cat questions such as “Why do cats land on their feet after a fall?” The Web site also provides information about cat care, choosing a cat, training a cat, and cat safety.

-----

posted by Patrick 6:48 AM

Danger While Fueling Your Car


(From Bob.)


The Shell Oil Company recently issued a warning after three incidents in which mobile phones (cell phones) ignited fumes during fueling operations

In the first case, the phone was placed on the car's trunk lid during fueling; it rang and the ensuing fire destroyed the car and the gasoline pump.

In the second, an individual suffered severe burns to their face when fumes ignited as they answered a call while refueling their car.

And in the third, an individual suffered burns to the thigh and groin as fumes ignited when the phone, which was in their pocket, rang while they were fueling their car.


You should know that:
Mobile Phones can ignite fuel or fumes

Mobile phones that light up wh!n switched on or when they ring release enough energy to provide a spark for ignition

Mobile phones should not be used in filling stations, or when fueling lawn mowers, boat , Etc.

Mobile phones should not be used, or should be turned off, around other materials that generate flammable or explosive fumes or dust, (i.e. solvents, chemicals, gases, grain dust, etc.)

To sum it up, here are the:

Four Rules for Safe Refueling

1) Turn off engine
2) Don't smoke
3) Don't use your cell phone - leave it inside the vehicle or turn it off
4) Don't re-enter your vehicle during fueling

Bob Renkes of Petroleum Equipment Institute is working on a campaign to try and make people aware of fires as a result of "static electricity" at gas pumps . His company has researched 150 cases of these fires.


His results were very surprising:

1) Out of 150 cases, almost all of them were women.
2) Almost all cases involved the person getting back in their vehicle while the nozzle was still pumping gas. When finished, they went back to pull the nozzle out and the fire started, as a result of static.
3) Most had on rubber-soled shoes.
4) Most men never get back in their vehicle until completely finished. This is why they are seldom involved in these types of fires.
5) Don't ever use cell phones when pumping gas
6) It is the vapors that come out of the gas that cause the fire, when connected with static charges.
7) There were 29 fires where the vehicle was re-entered and the nozzle was touched during refueling from a variety of makes and models. Some resulted in extensive damage to the vehicle, to the station, and to the customer.
8) Seventeen fires occurred before, during or immediately after the gas cap was removed and before fueling began.

Mr. Renkes stresses to NEVER get back in to your vehicle while filling it with gas

If you absolutely HAVE to get in your vehicle while the gas is pumping, make sure you get out, close the door TOUCHING THE METAL, before you ever pull the nozzle out. This way the static from your body will be discharged before you ever remove the nozzle.

As I mentioned earlier, The Petroleum Equipment Institute, along with several other companies now, are really trying to make the public aware of this danger. You can find out more information by going to < http://www.pei.org/> Once here, click in the center left of the screen where it says "Safe Refueling".

I ask you to please send this information to ALL your family and friends, especially those who have kids in the car with them while pumping gas If this were to happen to them, they may not be able to get the children out in time. Thanks for passing this along.


.

posted by Patrick 6:16 AM

9 Things I Hate About Everyone


(From Pamela.)


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


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posted by Patrick 7:35 AM

Blonde Joke


(From Pamela.)


A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot
gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim,
kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out,

"SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"


.

posted by Patrick 4:31 PM

New Politically Correct Terminology


(From Greta.)


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is
"VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. S he is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is
"MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She
is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW
COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed
a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not " BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers
"GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
"ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops
a case of "RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE
EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is
"RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his
pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE!"


.

posted by Patrick 9:55 AM

School Teacher Arrested!



(From Gene.)

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler,
a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the attorney general
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department
spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents
in a search for absolute value. They use secret code
names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns',
but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in
every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of
math instruction, He would have given us more fingers
and toes".


.

posted by Patrick 6:23 PM

Long Island Barbies


(From Pamela.)


For anyone who is from LI, has visited, or just curious.... These are pretty
accurate portrayals.

-------------------------------------

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for
the Long Island market: (this is Suffolk County Version)

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Patchogue Barbie - This modern day retro Barbie comes with 2 teeth, acid
washed jeans, leg warmers, white Reeboks, feathered hair & a double ring
belt (yes, it is 2004). She also comes with Ken, her brother/boyfriend,
complete with house arrest bracelet & Dodge Neon. Parole officer sold
separately.

Brentwood Barbie - This spanish speaking only Barbie comes with a 1984
Toyota with expired temporary plates & 4 baby Barbies in the backseat (no
car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint bucket lunch pail & is
missing 3 fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for
Brentwood Barbie or Ken.

Wyandanch Barbie - This Barbie comes with hoop earrings, hair weave, food
stamps, a bus pass, a search warrant, & a court date. She also comes with 3
babies & 3 different Ken's (Baby's Daddies). Each Ken comes with his own bag
of weed (sold separately & on a street corner).

Nisseqogue/Bell Terre Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Saks
Fifth Avenue. She comes with an assortment of Coach handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired dog named Honey, & a 3500-square foot house. Available with or
without tummy tuck & face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
"augmented" version.

Selden Barbie - This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford
Windstar minivan & matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily & has no full
time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone included,
headset sold separately.

Hampton Bays Barbie - This recently paroled former "Porn Actress"
Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows, & a meth-lab kit. This model is
only available after dark & can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small,
untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are
talking about.

Setauket Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW
convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, &
country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken &
Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Riverhead Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, & Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She
has a six-pack of Coors Light & a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
over 5' & kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her
pickup truck separately & get a Confederate Flag bumper sticker absolutely
free.

Port Jefferson Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a
leopard print bikini outfit & drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining
friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.

Ronkonkoma Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Bristol Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, & a see-through halter top. Also
available with a mobile home.

Huntington Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight
brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, & Birkenstocks with
white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want
or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase 2 Huntington Barbies & the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Deer Park Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black
hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings & 1 ankle bracelet. Included
are a permanently attached cell phone & a black Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY
license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a black
haired Tony doll with hairy chest & gel/hairdryer kit.

Fire Island Barbie - Used to be Fire Island Ken, but got a sex change
operation.


.

posted by Patrick 7:16 AM

Dogs Versus Cats


(From Pamela.)


DOG'S DIARY

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

CAT'S DIARY

Day 483 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild
satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this
on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, that did not work according to plan...

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers
of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use
it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a
half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I have patience, I can wait...


.

posted by Patrick 6:10 AM

Tech Support


(From Pamela.)


Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and
Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User


.

posted by Patrick 5:50 AM

Police Comments


(From Gene.)


The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."



And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


.

posted by Patrick 10:42 AM

The New Alphabet


(From Pamela.)


A is for apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now:

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and water retention

G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is lost hearing--now what did you say?

M is memory lapses occurring all day.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few; Just give me a pill and I'll be
good as new!

Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?

X is for x-ray and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I've kept twenty-six
doctors fully employed.

--
We do not remember days but moments. Life moves too fast, so take the time
to enjoy every precious moment


.

posted by Patrick 7:47 AM

The Value of a Drink

(From Bob.)

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


.

posted by Patrick 1:11 PM

History of the Middle Finder


(From Pamela.)


I love history! LOL Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and
now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent
friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun
when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over
the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English
longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This
famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew")

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster
at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow
that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

Editor's note: This was an interesting story, but the history of the middle finger may go further back in history. The ancient Romans called the middle finger "digitus impudens"...the impudeent digit. The middle finger salute may have ancient origins.


.

posted by Patrick 7:39 AM

Citizenship

(From Pamela.)

June 7, 2006

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill�s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I�m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,


.

posted by Patrick 10:11 AM

Interesting Facts


(From Bo.)

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

The second ?

William Jefferson Clinton

(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)

And the best for last.....


Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)


.

posted by Patrick 10:04 AM

Cell Phone Do NOT CALL LIST


(From Bob.)

This is very easy to register on line for both your home and cell number.

REMINDER....16 days from today, all cell phone numbers are being
released to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sale
calls. YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE CALLS. To prevent this, call the
following number from your cell phone: 888-382-1222. It is the National
DO NOT CALL list. It will only take a minute of your time. It blocks
your number for five (5) years. You must call from the cell phone number
you want to have blocked. You cannot call from a different phone number.

HELP OTHERS BY PASSING THIS ON OR GO TO:

http://www.donotcall.gov

you can put in up to 3 phone #'s on the site.


.

posted by Patrick 9:44 AM

This explains why we forward jokes...


(From Pamela.)

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of
a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out,

"Excuse! me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell disguised as Heaven."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

---------------------------------------

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime


.

posted by Patrick 8:50 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

posted by Patrick 5:31 AM

The Refdesk Site of the Day is:


Yahoo! Answers

Ask a question on any topic and get answers from real people.

-----

The World's Healthiest Foods

The World's Healthiest Foods have been selected because they are among the
richest sources of many of the essential nutrients needed for optimal health.
Site uses a concept called nutrient density to determine which foods have the
highest nutritional value. Nutrient density is a measure of the amount of
nutrients a food contains in comparison to the number of calories. A food is
more nutrient dense when the level of nutrients is high in relationship to the
number of calories the food contains. By eating the World's Healthiest Foods,
you'll get all the essential nutrients that you need for excellent health,
including vitamins, minerals, phytonutrients, essential fatty acids, fiber and
more for the least number of calories.

-----

posted by Patrick 8:27 AM

Confession Is Good For the Soul


(From Bob, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

*An old man went into confession and told the priest:

"Father, I'm 81 years old, married, with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father", replied the old man, "I'm Jewish".

"So why are you telling ME all that?!" asked the priest.

"Well," answered the man, "I'm telling everybody!"


.

posted by Patrick 10:37 AM

A History Lesson in a Song

(Thanks to YouTube.)

We Didn't Start the Fire

This Billy Joel song mentions events and persons from 1949-1989. A very talented young auteur has added images to match the words.




.

posted by Patrick 8:20 AM

For Women


(From Pamela.)

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ....whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"


(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Marriage (Part V)

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is >5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

**************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

_________________________________________________________________

posted by Patrick 8:09 AM

A Truly Heartwarming Story...

(From Greta.)

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."


.

posted by Patrick 7:48 AM

Comparative Economic Systems

(From Pamela.)

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

KOSKIDS CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


.

posted by Patrick 6:56 AM

A Terrifying Message from Al Gore



Al Gore finally finds a job.


.

posted by Patrick 8:02 AM

Cancer News from Johns Hopkins

(From Pamela.)

1. No plastic containers in microwave.
2. No water bottles in freezer.
3. No plastic wrap in microwave.

Johns Hopkins has recently sent this out in its Newsletters. This
information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are
highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic
bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.

Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle
Hospital, was on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked
about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be
heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This applies
to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat,
and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells
of the body.

Instead, he recommends using glass, Corning Ware or ceramic
containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the
dioxin. So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc.,
should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper
isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use
tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some
of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper.
The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Also, he pointed out that Saran wrap is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.


.

posted by Patrick 7:55 AM

FAST and Low

(Thanks to Euphoric Reality.)



Absolutely cool video!

posted by Patrick 2:41 PM

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

What Makes A Dad

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so, He called it ... Dad

Author is unknown


.

posted by Patrick 8:29 AM

Number One Song on the Day You Were Born

(From Pamela.)

Do you know what song was #1 on the day you were born?

January birthdays

February birthdays

March birthdays

April birthdays

May birthdays

June birthdays

July birthdays

August birthdays

Setember birthdays

October birthdays

November birthdays

December birthdays


.

posted by Patrick 10:21 AM

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? (New Twist)


(From Pamela.)

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need
to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
"CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:

Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's
why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
"the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the
road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in
peace.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform
is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ .... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the
other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"


.

posted by Patrick 10:10 AM

Today Is National Mental Health Day!

(From Bob.)

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to at least one unstable person.

(Well..my job's done!)

20 Ways To Maintain Mental Health

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want
Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical
Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16 Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock
Hard."

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile..Its Called
Therapy...


.

posted by Patrick 10:02 AM

Anagrams


(From Bob.)


This has to be the most clever
E-mail I've received in a long time.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS


.

posted by Patrick 5:52 AM

Martha VS Maxine


(From Pamela.)

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

====================
*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

===================
*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

===================
*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Maxine's Way *
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

===================
*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

====================
*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way *
The Mrs.. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

===================
*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Maxine's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

====================
*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

===================
*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way *
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

====================
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness...but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.


.

posted by Patrick 7:19 AM

Highbridge in Da Bronx


(From Dan.)

Fond memories of an area in Bronx County, New York City:

http://www.bobbalogh.com/


.

posted by Patrick 7:08 AM

Housing Prices


(From Pamela.)

Well, I could probably afford a mortgage in these places, but who would want to?

Lowest housing prices as per Money magazine:

Lowest prices
Danville, IL $64,000
Odessa, TX $65,830
Brownsville, TX $69,290
Waco, TX $76,297
Pine Bluff, AR $76,848
Elmira, NY $79,000
Utica, NY $79,646
Altoona, PA $80,033
Abilene, TX $81,176
Flint, MI $81,676


.

posted by Patrick 2:50 PM

Subject: Virus Alert


(From Pamela.)

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any
means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly
until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


.

posted by Patrick 2:46 PM

401 Keg Plan FOR YOUR RETIREMENT

(Thanks to John.)

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock at its peak, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron,you would have had ZERO left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom,you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above,current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401 Keg Plan.


.

posted by Patrick 3:33 PM

Prison vs. Work

(From Pamela.)

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.


.

posted by Patrick 3:20 PM

Ireland

Time for a road trip.

posted by Patrick 6:26 PM

Hillary Takes Questions


(From Bob.)

Senator Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New
York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the
White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary! points him out and asks him
what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions:

First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White
House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"


.

posted by Patrick 3:50 PM

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