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Saturday, December 31, 2005
Who Wants to be a Millionaire


(From Greta.)

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the
final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000
milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.

It was:

Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest,
but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline,
and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:
The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer
is ............ absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks."


.

posted by Patrick 9:14 AM
THANK YOU...............


(From Greta.)


I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to
send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you,
thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick
from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this email to at least 1200 people in the next 60
seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your
armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a
friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd
husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!


.

posted by Patrick 9:00 AM
Sunday, December 25, 2005
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas! Some scenes from New York City to get everyone in the mood.

(Courtesy of Ron, my former boss. Good Luck and Godspeed in his retirement. Yes, the pictures are repeats from the past, but they capture the spirit and felling like no others.)

The Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center



The Christmas Tree at the New York Stock Exchange



The New York Stock Exchange



The Bull Is Charging Back! Will The Dow End Over 11,000 for 2005?



The Brooklyn Bridge


posted by Patrick 12:01 AM
Saturday, December 24, 2005
New Jersey Slogan Search Bars Sarcasm

(From Dan.)

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (Reuters) -- New Jersey, trying to overcome its reputation for corruption, traffic and toxic waste dumps, has rejected dozens of sardonic and sarcastic entries in a contest for a new tourist slogan. (Sorry, no link.)

A list of five possible slogans released Wednesday leaves out:

1) "New Jersey: We can always use another relative on the payroll," and

2) "Come to New Jersey: It's not as bad as it smells."

Other previous winners included:

1) New Jersey: You can't smell it in California

2) New Jersey: Someone's Gotta Live There!!

3) New Jersey: Where you get in for free, but pay a toll to get out.

4) New Jersey: Worth the Toll to Leave

5) New Jersey: Where Trash Gets Picked up, but the women don't.


.

posted by Patrick 6:53 AM
CHRISTMAS COOKIE RECIPE


(From Marian.)

Try this recipe and let me know how your cookies turn out.

Here's a great Christmas Cookie recipe that I thought you might want
to try this year:

1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 T lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the
Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

posted by Patrick 6:46 AM
Night Prayers

(From Greta.)

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.


Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a 72” plasma TV, liquor store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Amen.


.

posted by Patrick 6:14 AM
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Holiday Party


(From Pamela.)

To: undisclosed-recipients:
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 8:00 AM
Subject: Holiday party


December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ...

Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."? The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

Human Resources Director

----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the able that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since? The union members feel that $10
is too much money.

Patty Lewis

Human Researchers Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis

Human Racehorses Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis

Human Ratraces

----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at
the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll
get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.?

But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.? They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream.? I'm hearing them right now... Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

-------------------------------------------------------------------

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness.? I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Terri Bishop

Acting Human Resources Director


.

posted by Patrick 7:12 AM
Sunday, December 11, 2005
A DINNER CONVERSATION THAT WENT WRONG


(From Greta.)

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes low groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence--

HUSBAND: "Shit."


.

posted by Patrick 6:28 AM
Saturday, November 26, 2005
See Moviefone Short Films

(From Gene.)

Some really creative stuff here:

http://movies.aol.com/short_film_festival?pmmsid=1270086

Just a comment, this is an example of the future, someday we'll all be content providers.

Enjoy!


.

posted by Patrick 6:32 AM
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Chicken With Stuffing

(From Greta.)

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing
- imagine that. I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are
not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked,but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________________
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across
the room, it's done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook......


.

posted by Patrick 7:51 AM
Lots of Humor to Start the Day

(From Dan.)

Click here...


.

posted by Patrick 7:45 AM
Some Interesting Facts...

From Andy.)

Editor's Note: Some of these sound like urban legends, but enjoy anyway.

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . therefore, the expression "losing face."

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced". . . wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."

One more: bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

(All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

You must send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to unsuspecting friends. If you don't, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive and kill your mouse.


"If you can read this, thank a teacher".... "If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier."


.

posted by Patrick 7:41 AM
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Now there's a store that pays us:


(Forwarded by Pamela.)

Brooklyn's new iSold It, part of a national chain that helps computer-shy pack rats auction their stuff through eBay. Bring in an old bike or an ex-boyfriend's drum set and they do the rest - posting the goods online and shipping them to the winner. You get a link to the auction and a check when it's done; they get 30% of the take. Since not everything sells, however, they judge your junk carefully, taking only the items that will earn at least $30.


You can view the entire article at:

http://www.nydailynews.com/city_life/thersday/story/361748p-308138c.html .


.

posted by Patrick 3:36 AM
A Prayer for the Stressed


(From John.)


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
Also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work...

12% on Monday,

23%on Tuesday,

40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday, and

5% on Friday.

Help me to remember...

When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!


.

posted by Patrick 3:30 AM
The Honest Boss

(From Greta.)

Haven't we all had bosses like this:

Click here:

http://www.hallmark.com/wcsstore/HallmarkStore/images/products/ecards/nfg1969.swf


.

posted by Patrick 3:25 AM
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Progress

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.


Thanks to random pithy quotes at this place:

http://jiltanith.thefifthimperium.com/

I don't think the site has a name.


.

posted by Patrick 8:18 AM
Weird Web Link


(From Pamela.)

This a very weird (and disturbing) web link I came across....

http://catsinsinks.com/


.

posted by Patrick 7:52 AM
Saturday Fun


(From Pamela.)

This funny even without speakers

Click here:
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf


.

posted by Patrick 7:46 AM
Friday, November 11, 2005
God Bless the Veterans


(From Gene.)

It is the VETERAN, not the preacher,

who has given us freedom of religion.

It is the VETERAN, not the reporter,

who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the VETERAN, not the poet,

who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer,

who has given us freedom to assemble.

It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer,

who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the VETERAN, not the politician,

Who has given us the right to vote.



It is the VETERAN,

who salutes the Flag,

It is the veteran,

who serves under the Flag,


GOD BLESS ALL WHO ARE SERVING AND ALL THOSE WHO SERVED !!

posted by Patrick 12:39 PM
New Parrot


(From Gene.)

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said
$50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her
living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, New madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and
the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the
situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."


.

posted by Patrick 12:08 PM
WEIRD AL - EBAY SONG - VERY VERY FUNNY


(From Greta.)


Go to this site:

http://tinafolsomphotography.com/ebay_song.html


then,

TURN UP YOUR VOLUME!!!


.

posted by Patrick 11:49 AM
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Enjoy, and Send it on!!

(From Pamela.)

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! . Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:


1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Pass this message to 7 people except me. You will receive a miracle tomorrow.

Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracle tomorrow. So send it right now!


.

posted by Patrick 3:28 PM
YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT *677

(From Greta.)

I knew about the red light on cars, but not the *677. It was about 1:00p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An
UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. *Lauren's
parents have always told them never to pull over for an unmarked car on the
side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc.

Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *677
on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull
over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an
unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her.
The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she and there
weren't, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back
up already on the way.

Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind
her.

One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind.
They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was
a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.

I never knew about the *677 Cell Phone Feature, but especially for a woman
alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently
police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe&quiet; place. You
obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on
your hazard lights) or call *677 like Lauren did.

Too bad the cell phone companies don't generally give you this little bit
of wonderful information.

*Speaking to a service representative at **Bell** Mobility confirmed that
*677 was a direct link to State Police Dispatch. So, now it's your turn to
let your friends know about *677.

Send this to every person you know; it may save a life.


.

posted by Patrick 3:17 PM
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Massachusetts Golfer in Ireland


(From Dan.)

A Massachusetts golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over
the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me
fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want
anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean
to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and
square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the Massachusetts golfer is
back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad
ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If
I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills didn't even
know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"It's OK"

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did
good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes
twice a week."

"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or
twice a week?!"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish."


.

posted by Patrick 1:28 PM
Men vs Women

(From Greta.)

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in
her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)


I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the
root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?"

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl
notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top
of several pages, that it indeed .........."HEBREWS"


.

posted by Patrick 1:21 PM
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Lost In Translation?

(From Greta.)

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.
You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by
the end of the conversation. This has been nominated
for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a
hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia,
which was recorded and published in the Far East
Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,
scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be
fine."

! RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

S: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem,
Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."


.

posted by Patrick 6:00 AM
THE BASIC LAWS OF HUMAN STUPIDITY


(Forwarded by Gene.)

As unbelievable as it sounds, there are some basic laws:

See Here....


.

posted by Patrick 5:55 AM
Saturday, October 29, 2005
The Guys' Rules

(From Greta.)

(Actually, they're from her husband, Rich.)

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
>


1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer; expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can, to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can, to give them a bigger laugh.


.

posted by Patrick 7:25 PM
Sunday, October 23, 2005


(From Mal.)

The Final Posting!

http://www.sonic.net/~mal123/pumpkin.html

Wait 'til next year!!!!!!!!


.

posted by Patrick 10:18 AM
Women's Ass Size Study

(From Greta.)

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and
they would have married him anyway.


.

posted by Patrick 9:42 AM
NURSERY RHYMES

(From Greta.)

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb shit!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.


.

posted by Patrick 9:29 AM
Friday, October 21, 2005
The Latest Medical Technology


(From Gene.)

A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father
had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed,
the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it
up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was
doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously
helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.


.

posted by Patrick 1:58 PM
Monday, October 10, 2005
Newspapers, TV and radio news got you down?

(From Mal.)

Try this:

http://www.happynews.com/


.

posted by Patrick 6:39 AM
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

ALL ARE WELCOME

OPEN TO MEN ONLY


(From Gene.)

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY
THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support
groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

__________________________________________________

posted by Patrick 6:35 AM
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Alcohol Consumption


(From Gene.)

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
Manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your butt kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tihnk you can tipe real
gode.

.

posted by Patrick 4:19 PM
Sunday, October 02, 2005
For All Those Who Know Everything.....

(From Dan.)

So You Think You Know Everything?........

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A gold fish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

............Now you know everything!


.

posted by Patrick 2:50 AM
Modern Romance

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

"Daddy, how was I born?"

DAD SAYS:

"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well,
you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As
soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a
blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!"


.

posted by Patrick 2:45 AM
Monday, September 12, 2005
Thanks To All The Lawyers...

(From Pamela.)

A few more items to make you feel a little more secure.? In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(...and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(Just a suggestion, though.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(A little late now.)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(...but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(...as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(Other use?? Like what?? Anybody?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(...talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat > nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(And this warning is there because someone thought it would!? Where were Mom and Dad?)>

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


.

posted by Patrick 1:36 AM
How to Tell if Your Cat is Real!

(From Pamela.)


A true cat will endure discomfort for hours and wait patiently until 3 AM to cough up a hairball on your bed.

A true cat always comes between you and your newspaper.

A true cat would rather eat what you're having, even if what you fixed for him is better than what you fixed for yourself.

A true cat waits until you are watching your favorite TV show before asking to go out, and come in, and go out, and come in, etc.

True cats have perfected the guilt-provoking stare.

A true cat prefers your flower bed to her litter box.

A true cat never willingly laps up hairball remedy, no matter what the instructions on the package say.

A true cat can find and discard the smallest pill in the largest heap of food.

That's why administering a pill to a true cat is a two-person job.

Sometimes a three-person job.

A true cat doesn't do tricks.

A true cat abhors a closed door.

When caught misbehaving, a true cat pretends he was doing something else.

-----

posted by Patrick 1:04 AM
Monday, September 05, 2005
&

(From Pamela.)

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."

______________________________________________________________________

posted by Patrick 7:51 AM
Monday, August 29, 2005
Pleasant Thoughts

(From Pamela.)

This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received. Hope it works for you -- and me!

You have 6 minutes

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious. This has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so Far.

Do not keep this message.

It must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.


TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.


THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.


FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.


FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.


SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.


SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.


EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.


NINE. Love ! deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.


TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.


ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.


TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.


THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"


FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.


FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.


SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson


SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.


EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.


NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.


TWENTY. Smile when pi cking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.


TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Now, here's the FUN part!

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve. 1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
Do not keep this message.

.

posted by Patrick 3:14 PM
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Simply The Best

(From Pamela.)

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old Having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room. Just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ..just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account: you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Pass this message to 7 people except you and me.


.

posted by Patrick 7:18 AM
Sunday, August 14, 2005
This Cloning Stuff Has Just Gone Toooo Far!



.

posted by Patrick 2:43 PM


(From Mal, our correspondent on the Left Coast.)


The page below will be updated about once a week. Visit often to see the
progress!

http://www.sonic.net/~mal123/pumpkin.html


.

posted by Patrick 12:30 PM
LITTLE KNOWN TERMS OF MEASUREMENT

(From John, our correspondent in Narrowsburg.)

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 ache! s = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-rat! ion
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital = 1 I.V. League


.

posted by Patrick 6:38 AM
Sunday, August 07, 2005
George & God

(From Gene, our correspondent in Washington Heights.)

95-year-old George went for his annual physical.

All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with
your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight so he's fixed it so
that when I get up in the middle of the night to go
to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee,
and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," He said, "George is just fine. Physically he's
great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light
goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?

"Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"


.

posted by Patrick 7:39 AM
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Mensa Unvitational

(From Pam, our correspondent in Bay Ridege.)


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.


------------------------------------------

posted by Patrick 8:42 AM
Darwin Award Winners (Again)

(From Mal, our correspondent on the Left Coast.)

Editor's Note: We get several different variations of the Darwin Awards. We print them all, unless they are repeats.


1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.

... and now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat machine and,
after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look
for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.

The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk openedthe cash drawer, the man pulled a
gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made! of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5- STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


.

posted by Patrick 8:36 AM
Sunday, July 31, 2005
2005 Darwin Awards

(From Greta, our correspondent in Astoria.)

You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are.............



* IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION:

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

* TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Shit happens!"


.

posted by Patrick 2:09 PM
Sunday, July 24, 2005
More Memories from the 70s...

(Forwarded by Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge, and Marian, our correspondent in Narrowsburg.)

Had me laughing out loud - people must have been thinking I was out of
my mind. Scary stuff...

Click the cards...

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html


.

posted by Patrick 6:26 AM
Friday, July 22, 2005
BSTV-The Best Shows on TeleVision

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

This web site is pretty funny, and shows what lengths people will go to for reality shows:

http://www.bstv.tv/


.

posted by Patrick 3:39 PM
Flatterer

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning!

Click on the line below and then type in your first name...

<
http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html>


.

posted by Patrick 3:27 PM
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
The Darwin Award Winners:

(From John, our correspondent in Narrowsburg.)

They're back - Darwin Awards -- Yes, it's that magical time of the
year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least
evolved among us.

Here then, are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

*And now, the honorable mentions:*

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for two hours to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find that a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a UniMart, put a 20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled, leaving the 20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime
been committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
Then the chuckles started. The security guard completely lost it and
doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
about to draw his gun, and he couldn't possibly have drawn and fired
before the thief shot him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved
with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window
was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to th e store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!*

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted
to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


.

posted by Patrick 3:41 PM
Heaven -- and Health

(From Pamela.)

Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink, as much as you like and whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my blood sugar, or blood pressure, or....?" "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your bran muffins! We could have been here 15 years ago!"

--
Remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to
the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, wine in the
other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"

.

posted by Patrick 3:26 PM
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Living Will

(From Pam.)

Living Will, Version 2005


I, _______________________________, being of sound
mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely
by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
This goes especially for Tom DeLay, who cuts off life
support for his vegetative-state father but characterizes
other people's private and well-reasoned decisions
to do the same as murderous and evil.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for a cold beer (could be changed to
chocolate)
, it should be presumed that I won't ever
get better. When such a determination is reached,
I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending
physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and
call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support
machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind
their own damn business, and pay attention instead
to the health, education and future of the millions of
Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into
this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes
they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency
in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with
someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots
send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend
to care about me. I don't know these people, and
I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and
crusade on my behalf. They should mind their
own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns
my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to
come back from the grave and make his or her
existence a living hell.

Signature _______________ ___________________

Witness________________ ___________________




.

posted by Patrick 7:24 AM
Saturday, July 09, 2005


From Greta, our correspondent in Astoria.)


JUST A REMINDER...

In a few weeks, ALL wireless phone numbers are being released
to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sales calls.

YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE CALLS...

To prevent this, call the following number from
your cell phone: (888) 382-1222. It is the National DO NOT CALL list. It will
only take a minute of your time. It blocks your number for five (5) years.

This is a valid phone number and you may verify at http://www.donotcall.gov/<http://www.donotcall.gov/>

You can register on line.

PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS


.

posted by Patrick 4:36 PM
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!


(From Bob, our correspondent in Bayside.)

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for
diabetes.


Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.



We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms.........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.


We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we
were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live in us forever.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!


This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!



The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.



We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!



You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own
good.


Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't

it?!


.

posted by Patrick 4:18 PM



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