archives

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas! Some scenes from New York City to get everyone in the mood.

(Courtesy of Ron, my former boss. Good Luck and Godspeed in his retirement.)

The Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center



The Christmas Tree at the New York Stock Exchange



The New York Stock Exchange



The Bull Is Charging Back! Will The Dow End Over 11,000 for 2004?



The Brooklyn Bridge

posted by Patrick 5:39 PM

Attitude Adjustment

(From Colemans.)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even
worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
vocabulary. Finally, John
was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook
the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few
minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was
total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt
the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for
my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had
made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

posted by Patrick 8:59 AM

How to avoid the flu...

(Helpful ? advice from Dr. Eugene.)

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of
the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR .. You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you
go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.

Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So.

I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit),
celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get
drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get
you!!!!

posted by Patrick 6:07 PM

I Am A New Yorker


(From EM on the Carolinas, who never really left New York.)


http://www.farrockaway.com/carol/newyorker.html

posted by Patrick 9:18 AM

Entries To the Bad Writing Contest at San Jose State

(From Gene.)


As she fell face down into the black muck of the mud-wrestling pit, her sweaty 300-pound opponent muttering soft curses in Latin on top of her, Sister Marie thought, "There is no doubt about it, the Pope has betrayed me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, most memorable space voyage of my career.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yeilding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.

posted by Patrick 5:20 AM

Mangled Prose

(From Gene.)


"Over 70,000 people will be conjugating this week to talk about the economy, retail sales, the environment, exporting, and the housing market, and it is somewhere other than Houston for the Republican National Convention."

--Opening sentence in a press release for the National Hardware Show.(1992)

posted by Patrick 5:10 AM

WEEK AT THE GYM

(From Pamela.)

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine...


> >Dear Diary...
> >
> >For my forty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
> >week of personal training at the local health club for me.
> >
> >Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
> >team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
> >give it a try.
> >
> >Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> >Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
> >model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
> >enthusiasm to get started!
> >
> >The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
> >
> >Monday:
> >
> >Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
> >worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
> >me.
> >
> >She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
> >a dazzling white smile.
> >
> >Woo Hoo!
> >
> >Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
> >after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was
> >so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
> >aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
> >conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
> >
> >Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
> >gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> >
> >This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> >
> >Tuesday:
> >
> >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> >Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
> >air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> >treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
> >all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
> >
> >It's a whole new life for me.
> >
> >Wednesday:
> >
> >The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
> >counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> >hernia in both pectorals.
> >
> >Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop I parked on top
> >of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> >
> >Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> >club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
> >and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> >
> >My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> >stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> >activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> >
> >Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
> >some other shit too.
> >
> >Thursday:
> >
> >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> >thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
> >a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
> >me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
> >in the men's room.
> >
> >She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
> >machine - which I sank.
> >
> >Friday:
> >
> >I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any
> >other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
> >little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
> >unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> >
> >Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
> >if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**
> >barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure
> >you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
> >laude from.)
> >
> >The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> >teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
> >or the choir director?
> >
> >Saturday:
> >
> >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> >voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> >want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> >strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> >hours of the Weather Channel.
> >
> >Sunday:
> >
> >I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> >thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> >wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a
> >vasectomy.
>
> _________________________________________________________________

posted by Patrick 4:11 AM

Alternate Meanings for Various Words

(From John.)

1. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

2. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

3. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

4. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.

5. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

6. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

7. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

8. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

posted by Patrick 8:35 AM

The Big Sissy...

(From Colemans.)

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep
with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

posted by Patrick 11:08 AM

Juvenile Felis Catus


(From Pamela.)


For the full story, Click Here...

posted by Patrick 7:13 AM

DEBATE SCOUTING REPORT

(A special thanks to Tara, our Upper Left Side correspondent, for this timely update.)

Senator John Kerry's Very Special Debate Podium




President Bush's Debate Notes

posted by Patrick 11:20 AM

Malicious Spam Links

(From Pamela.)

A threat alert was recived today stating that unscrupulous individuals
are sending out email that looks like spam. These emails direct you to
click on the link contained in the email such as 'click here to remove
your name' or, 'click here to unsubscribe' which will lead you to
believe that you are unsubscribing to the spam emailer.

However, when you click on the link, you will be brought to a web page
and if you do anything such as scroll down on the web site or click
anywhere within the screen of the web site, a keystroke logger will be
installed on your computer.

What this does is to confirm to the spammer that your e-mail address is valid, which will only generate more spam. More importantly, they can compromise your computer by installing malicious programs.


Even if you have an e-mail filter that blocks spam messages,
however, some get through.

Please be alert to these deceptions.

posted by Patrick 6:59 AM

I Am Thankful...

(From Gene.)

I am thankful:

For the wife
who says it's hot dogs tonight,
because she is home with me,
and not out with someone else.

For the husband
who is on the sofa
being a couch potato,
because he is home with me
and not out at the bars.

For the teenager
who is complaining about doing dishes
because that means she is at home,
not on the streets.

For the taxes
that I pay
because it means that
I am employed.

For the mess
to clean after a party
because it means that I have
been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes
that fit a little too snug
because it means
I have enough to eat.

For my shadow
that watches me work
because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn
that needs mowing,
windows that need cleaning,
and gutters that need fixing
because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining
I hear about the government
because it means that
we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot
I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking
and that I have been
blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill
because it means
I am warm.

For the lady
behind me that sings off key
because it means
that I can hear.

For the pile
of laundry and ironing
because it means
I have clothes to wear.

For weariness
and aching muscles
at the end of the day
because it means
I have been
capable of working hard.

For the alarm
that goes off
in the early morning hours
because it means that I am ! Alive.

And finally.....
for too much e-mail
because it means I have
friends who are thinking of me. --

posted by Patrick 6:47 AM

A Political Poll...

(From Pamela.)

If you support the policies and character of John Kerry please drive
with your headlights on during the day on Friday.

If you support George W. Bush please drive with your headlights off
that night.

posted by Patrick 9:36 AM

No More Headaches

(From Eugene.)

A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says,

"I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressure on the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

posted by Patrick 2:54 PM

Protect Yourself on the Internet

(From Pamela.)

Federal Bank, Thrift and Credit
Union Regulatory Agencies Provide
Brochure with Information on
Internet "Phishing"


The federal bank, thrift and credit
union agencies today announced the
publication of a brochure with
information to help consumers
identify and combat a new type of
Internet scam known as "phishing."


The term is a play on the word
"fishing," and that's exactly what
Internet thieves are doing--fishing
for confidential financial
information, such as account
numbers and passwords. With enough
information, a con artist can run
up bills on another person's credit
card or, in the worst case, even
steal that person's identity.


In a common type of phishing scam,
individuals receive e-mails that
appear to come from their financial
institution. The e-mail may look
authentic, right down to the use of
the institution's logo and
marketing slogans. The e-mails
often describe a situation that
requires immediate attention and
then warn that the account will be
terminated unless the e-mail
recipients verify their account
information immediately by clicking
on a provided link.


The link will take the e-mail
recipient to a screen that asks for
account information. While it may
appear to be a page sponsored by a
legitimate financial institution,
the information will actually go to
the con artist who sent the e-mail.


The federal financial regulatory
agencies want consumers to know
that they should never respond to
such requests. No legitimate
financial institution will ever ask
its customers to verify their
account information online.


The brochure also advises
consumers:

Never click on the link provided in
an e-mail if there is reason to
believe it is fraudulent.

The link may contain a virus.

Do not be intimidated by e-mails
that warn of dire consequences for
not following their instructions.
If there is a question about
whether the e-mail is legitimate,
go to the company's site by typing
in a site address that you know to
be legitimate.
If you fall victim to a phishing
scam, act immediately to protect
yourself by alerting your financial
institution, placing fraud alerts
on your credit files and monitoring
your account statements closely.
Report suspicious e-mails or calls
to the Federal Trade Commission
through the Internet at
www.consumer.gov/idtheft , or by
calling 1-877-IDTHEFT.


The interagency brochure is
available on each agency's web site
and financial institutions are
encouraged to download the
camera-ready file for use in their
own customer-education programs.


CONTACT:

Federal Reserve Susan Stawick 202-452-2955

FDIC David Barr 202-898-6992

NCUA Cherie Umbel 703-518-6330

OCC Kevin Mukri 202-874-5770

OTS Erin Hickman 202-906-6677

posted by Patrick 5:06 AM

What Women Are Thinking...

(From Gene.)

Behind every successful woman is herself .

A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her
in hot water

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career.

Coffee, chocolate, men; some things are just better rich.

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. You will not win.

All stressed out; and no one to choke.

And last but not least:

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

posted by Patrick 8:07 AM

Irish Confession

(From Pamela.)


"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is.

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads."

posted by Patrick 4:18 AM

IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION

(From Mal.)

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy
vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have the weight of two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!! "It's the
best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food , exercise, and diets. Have a cookie...


One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and
salt."

posted by Patrick 8:13 AM

Website of the Day


LONELY PAMPHLETEER REVIEW

"[L]iberty of the press is the right of the lonely pamphleteer...as much as the large metropolitan publisher..."

White,J.,Branzburg v Hayes, 408 U.S.,665,704 (1972)

posted by Patrick 6:50 AM

Differences: Men and Women

(From Bob.)

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female......Any part under a car's hood.

Male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n

Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male.....Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.

Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female..A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male.....A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

posted by Patrick 6:30 AM

Stereotypes...

(From Eugene.)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up
a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of
the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are
the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who
is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all
categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me
Bubba."

posted by Patrick 1:46 PM

Kerryism

(From David, at Lonely Pamphleteer Review.)


My name is John F. Kerry, war hero who's anti-war
Right now I'm not merry, but really quite sore

I demand an end to unwarranted attacks
If Bush doesn't stop, I'm not going to be lax

Obviously I'm bold, brilliant and brave
follow my lead, our country to save

From evil forces, nasty and malicious
greedy, grasping and also capricious

After I'm president the Republican fate I will seal
As I embark on my program: my governing Big Deal

An end to the GOP and their political hate speech
My words will be law, and how wide my reach

posted by Patrick 1:29 PM

MEMBER OF VILLAGE PEOPLE ADMITS HE IS GOVERNOR OF IDAHO

(From Pamela.)

Band Members, Disco Fans Stunned

A member of the prominent disco band The Village People shocked fans and fellow
band members alike today by admitting at a press conference that he is actually
the Governor of Idaho.

The Indian Chief, a key member of the disco ensemble since its founding in the
1970's, choked back tears as he made his confession at a crowded press
conference in lower Manhattan.

"For some time now, I have been struggling with a truth about myself, but
now the time has come for me to share that truth with the world," the
Indian Chief said.

"I am the Governor of Idaho."

The Indian Chief's secret life as Governor of Idaho came as a total surprise
even to such fellow band-members as the Construction Worker, the Biker and the
Cowboy.

"In retrospect, he did seem to be signing a lot of papers all the time, but
I never would have guessed it was legislation," the Construction
Worker told reporters.

But moments after the Indian Chief's emotional press conference, angry fans
around the world were calling for his immediate resignation from the Village
People.

"I feel betrayed that a guy I thought was a full-time Village Person was
actually sneaking around being Governor of Idaho on the side," said David
Giulardi, 48, a fan of the band since the 1970's. "The credibility of the
Village People is at stake."

Elsewhere, President Bush announced that 70,000 troops withdrawn from Europe and
Asia would be used at the end of this month to keep protesters away from the
Republican National Convention.

posted by Patrick 5:58 AM

Election Limericks

(From Pamela.)


"My Case" by John Kerry

I'll keep us from warfare horrific,
And you'll find that your sleep is terrific,
For I'm an uncommon ex-
Ample of Sominex:
My speeches are so soporific.



"My Case" by George W. Bush

I shout it in verbibage that will resignate:
Me as your leader you should designate!
At preventing wars nucular
I'd be spoctucular,
So this time, elect me as presignate!

posted by Patrick 8:59 AM

Sometimes in life, you just need a little push...

(From Colemans.)


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door to find a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain.

The drunk asks him "Could you give me a push?"

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the
morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was
that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you
help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning
and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you
remember about three months ago when our car broke down and
those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?"
calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

posted by Patrick 8:48 AM

Kitty Cat Haikus

(From Pamela.)

The food in my bowl

Is old, and-more to the point-

Contains no tuna


So you want to play.

Will I claw at dancing string?

Your ankle's closer.


There's no dignity

In being sick-which is why

I don't tell you where.


Seeking solitude

I am locked in the closet

For once I need you


Tiny can, dumped in Plastic bowl.

Presentation, One star;

Service:none


Am I in your way?

You seem to have it backwards:

This pillow's taken.


Your mouth is moving;

Up and down, emitting noise.

I've lost interest.


The dog wags his tail, Seeking approval.

See mine?

Different message.


My brain: walnut-sized

Yours: largest among primates.

Yet, who leaves for work?


Most problems can be Ignored.

The more difficult

Ones can be slept through


My affection is conditional.

Don't stand up,

It's your lap I love.


Cats can't steal the breath

Of children. But if my tail's

Pulled again, I'll learn.


I don't mind being

Teased, any more than you mind

A skin graft or two.


So you call this thing

Your "cat carrier". I call

These my "blades of death".


Toy mice, dancing yarn

Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:

You're an idiot.

posted by Patrick 12:22 AM

FAQ about HMO

(From Pamela, our correpsondent in Bay Ridge.)

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A.This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eyes.

Q. I just signed up for Medical Insurance. How difficult will it be to choose
the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors
basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the
plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma
from a Third World country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home ! and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my
problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in
his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment,
what's the harm in letting him take a shot at it?

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

posted by Patrick 8:12 AM

Dog on a Skateboard

(From Pamela.)

This is funny!

Click Here.

posted by Patrick 7:38 AM

A Special for Computer Users

(From Pamela.)

If you spend more than 20 hours a week on the computer:

Click Here.

posted by Patrick 4:20 AM

WHAT MAKES 100%

(From Bob.)

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:




What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?




Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:




If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.




Then:




H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%








and






K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%




But,




A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%




And,




B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%




AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.




A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%




So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

posted by Patrick 2:27 AM

TO REALIZE...

(From Pamela.)

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has
Given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has
Won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

Time waits For no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Do not keep this letter.

Forward it to friends to whom you wish good luck
Peace, love and prosperity to all!

posted by Patrick 2:13 AM

A recent study...

(From Marian, our correspondent in Sullivan County.)


> > A recent study found out which days men prefer to

> > have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage

> > in sexual activity on the days that started with the

> > letter "T".

> >

> > Examples of those days are as follows:

> >

> > Tuesday

> >

> > Thursday

> >

> > Thanksgiving

> >

> > Today

> >

> > Tomorrow

> >

> > Thaturday

> >

> > Thunday

> > _________________________________

> >

> > A recent survey was conducted to discover why men

> > get out of bed in the middle of the night:

> >

> > 5% said it was to get a glass of water

> >

> > 12% said it was to go to the toilet

> >

> > 83% said it was to go home

> >

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?

> >

> > (A) Nudity

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a

> > wife?

> >

> > (A) 45 lbs

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

> >

> > (A) 45 minutes

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"

> >

> > (A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What do you call a smart blonde?

> >

> > (A) A golden retriever

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q) What' s the difference between a southern zoo

> > and a northern zoo?

> >

> > (A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal

> > on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

> >

> > __________________________________

> >

> > (Q ) What's the difference between a northern

> > fairytale and a southern fairytale?

> >

> > (A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".

> >

> > A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna

> > believe this shit.

posted by Patrick 1:44 PM

Someone Good at Scrabble

(From Pamela.)

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you
rearrange the letters (with no letters left over and using each letter only
once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

posted by Patrick 7:13 AM

Some Interesting Statistics

(From Bob.)

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States .

80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

The following is also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ..you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting with out fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 70% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ..... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada .

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

Send this to a FRIEND.

Pass this on, and brighten someone's day.

Nothing will happen if you decide to not pass it along. The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile because of you.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

posted by Patrick 1:27 PM

Animals and Air Travel

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

FYI - Resources if you ever have to travel with your pet by air.

I found my article that I have been saving forever on this topic. The suggestion is that you contact Independent Pet and Animal Transportation Association at

(903) 769-2267,

http://www.ipata.com. Hopefully these contact numbers are still good.

If it is a corporate move, you might be able to negotiate the price with the employer.

www.companionair.com,

http://www.frommers.com/cgi-bin/WebX?128@@.eebfa32

posted by Patrick 4:40 PM

WEEK AT THE GYM

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. >


> >Dear Diary...
> >
> >For my forty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
> >week of personal training at the local health club for me.
> >
> >Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
> >team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
> >give it a try.
> >
> >Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> >Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
> >model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
> >enthusiasm to get started!
> >
> >The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
> >
> >Monday:
> >
> >Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
> >worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
> >me.
> >
> >She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
> >a dazzling white smile.
> >
> >Woo Hoo!
> >
> >Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
> >after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was
> >so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
> >aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
> >conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
> >
> >Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
> >gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> >
> >This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> >
> >Tuesday:
> >
> >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> >Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
> >air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> >treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
> >all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
> >
> >It's a whole new life for me.
> >
> >Wednesday:
> >
> >The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
> >counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> >hernia in both pectorals.
> >
> >Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop I parked on top
> >of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> >
> >Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> >club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
> >and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> >
> >My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> >stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> >activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> >
> >Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
> >some other shit too.
> >
> >Thursday:
> >
> >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> >thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
> >a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
> >me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
> >in the men's room.
> >
> >She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
> >machine - which I sank.
> >
> >Friday:
> >
> >I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any
> >other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
> >little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
> >unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> >
> >Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
> >if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**
> >barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure
> >you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
> >laude from.)
> >
> >The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> >teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
> >or the choir director?
> >
> >Saturday:
> >
> >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> >voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> >want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> >strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> >hours of the Weather Channel.
> >
> >Sunday:
> >
> >I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> >thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> >wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a
> >vasectomy.
>
> _________________________________________________________________

posted by Patrick 5:08 AM

Seven Reasons Not to Mess with Kids

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "then you ask him."

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "they will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy named Patrick (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "and there's the teacher, she's dead."

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "cause your feet aren't empty."

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "take all you want. God is watching the apples."

posted by Patrick 4:49 AM

A RABID ROTTWEILER

(Submitted by various correspondents.)

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked a
rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby
fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed
over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline:

"Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass,
I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again,

"John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says,
"I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or
Kennedy. What team or person do you support?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy
says Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

posted by Patrick 5:58 AM

:):):)
SCRABBLE

(From Pamela.)

This has to be one of the cleverest E-mails ever sent.

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is a deadly Scrabble player.


GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN : When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW : When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS : When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES : When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO : When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! But isn't that interesting!

posted by Patrick 5:18 AM

You know you're living in 2004 when...

(From Pamela.)
> >
> >1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
> >
> >2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
> >
> >3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
> >
> >4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
> >
> >5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have email addresses.
> >
> >6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
> >
> >7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial
"9" to get an outside line.
> >
> >8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
> >
> >10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
> >
> >11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
> >
> >12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are! more likely to get long-service awards.
> >
> >AND..............
> >
> >13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
> >
> >14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends."
> >
> >15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you
anymore,except to send you jokes from the net.
> >
> >16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
> >
> >17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
> >
> >AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends
> >....you know you want to.

posted by Patrick 3:35 PM

Cats and Dogs

(From Pamela.)

>What is a Cat?
>
>1. Cats do what they want.
>2. They rarely listen to you.
>3. They're totally unpredictable.
>4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
>5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
>6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
>7. They're moody.
>8. They leave hair everywhere.
>
>CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
>
>What is a Dog?
>
>1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture
>in the house.
>2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
>3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
>4. They growl when they are not happy.
>5. When you want to play, they want to play
>6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
>7. They leave their toys everywhere.
>8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
>9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
>
>CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats!

posted by Patrick 3:25 PM

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

(From Pamela.)
>
>1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?
>
>2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.
>
>3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
>
>4. Rottweiler: Make me
>
>5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
>
>6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please,
please!
>
>7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people
from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
situation.
>
>8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off
the walls and furniture.
>
>9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a
light bulb?
>
>10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in
the dark.
>
>11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
>
>12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
>
>13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
>
>14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
little circle .
>
>15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
>
>The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change
light bulbs.

>So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some
light, some dinner, and a massage?"
>
>ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS
HAVE STAFF.

posted by Patrick 9:18 AM

Who's Perfect?

(From Pamela.)


> Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
>
> Their life together was, of course, perfect.
>
> One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
>
> There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys.
>
> Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
>
> Question: Who was the survivor?
>
> (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it worth it!
>
>
> |
> \/
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
> Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such thing as a perfect man.
>
> *** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke ***
>
> Men keep scrolling
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
> So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
>
> Men keep scrolling
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
>
> |
> \/
>
> By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
another point:
>
> Women never listen!
>
> --

posted by Patrick 9:01 AM

You Know You're from New York When...

(From EM, in the Carolinas, who have never really left NYC.)

You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats
available. You and the other three passengers look at each other and know you
have pure grit.

You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors
will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.

You know what a "regular" coffee is.

It's not "Manhattan", it's the "City".

You get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road.

There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown.

You cross the street anywhere but on the corners ... and you yell at cars for
not respecting the fact.

You move 8,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people
still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.

You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real"
pizza and "real" bagel.

A 500 square foot apartment is large.

Your coworker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000 square foot house in the
suburbs that was the same price as that same 500 square foot apartment of yours
that takes only 35 minutes to get to and you think he's a sucker.

You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.

You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to
actually understand a PA announcement on the subway.

You have at least 50 menus in your apartment, two thirds of which you have never
ordered from or even heard of.

You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.

You know that off-the-shelf insecticides are just laughing gas to the
superior roaches cohabiting with you in the 500 square foot apartment.

You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the 4 major food
groups: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.

You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New
Year's Eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street
parking regulations are in effect.

You know what a bodega is.

You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can
read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.

Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.

You don't even notice the nice lady walking down the road having a perfectly
normal conversation with herself.

You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.

You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas.

The presidential visit is a major traffic jam not an honor.

Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you. (They take up all the
parking spaces!)

You can nap on the subway or bus and never miss your stop.

The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is
beer.

posted by Patrick 5:06 PM

Is It a Stroke?

(From John.)

This was published in a monthly newsletter where a friend of mine lives and she sent it on.
I had never heard this advice before and hadn't a clue.

Perhaps you hadn't either and would like to file it away in the back of your head.

"Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.
Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say any bystander can recognize a stroke asking three simple questions:

* ask the individual to smile.
* ask him or her to raise both arms.
* ask the person to speak a simple sentence.

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1
immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions.

They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke
Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage."

PASS IT ON....

posted by Patrick 2:30 PM

ZERO GRAVITY

(From Pamela.)

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.

posted by Patrick 3:53 AM

Election Limericks

(From Pamela. In the spirit of bipartisanship, we've done both candidates.)

"My Case" by John Kerry

I'll keep us from warfare horrific,
And you'll find that your sleep is terrific,
For I'm an uncommon ex-
Ample of Sominex:
My speeches are so soporific.



"My Case" by George W. Bush

I shout it in verbibage that will resignate:
Me as your leader you should designate!
At preventing wars nucular
I'd be spoctucular,
So this time, elect me as presignate!

posted by Patrick 10:55 AM

Irish Confession

(From Pamela.)

"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is.

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads."

posted by Patrick 10:18 AM

Kitty Cat Haikus

(From Pamela.)

> > The food in my bowl
> >
> > Is old, and-more to the point-
> >
> > Contains no tuna
> >
> >
> > So you want to play.
> >
> > Will I claw at dancing string?
> >
> > Your ankle's closer.
> >
> >
> > There's no dignity
> >
> > In being sick-which is why
> >
> > I don't tell you where.
> >
> >
> > Seeking solitude
> >
> > I am locked in the closet
> >
> > For once I need you
> >
> >
> > Tiny can, dumped in Plastic bowl.
> >
> > Presentation, One star;
> >
> > service: none
> >
> >
> > Am I in your way?
> >
> > You seem to have it backwards:
> >
> > This pillow's taken.
> >
> >
> > Your mouth is moving; Up and down, emitting noise.
> >
> > I've lost interest.
> >
> >
> > The dog wags his tail,
> >
> > Seeking approval.
> >
> > See mine?
> >
> > Different message.
> >
> >
> > My brain: walnut-sized
> >
> > Yours: largest among primates.
> >
> > Yet, who leaves for work?
> >
> >
> > Most problems can be Ignored.
> >
> > The more difficult Ones
> >
> > can be slept through
> >
> >
> > My affection is conditional.
> >
> > Don't stand up,
> >
> > It's your lap I love.
> >
> >
> > Cats can't steal the breath
> >
> > Of children. But if my tail's
> >
> > Pulled again, I'll learn.
> >
> >
> > I don't mind being
> >
> > Teased, any more than you mind
> >
> > A skin graft or two.
> >
> >
> > So you call this thing
> >
> > Your "cat carrier". I call
> >
> > These my "blades of death".
> >
> > Toy mice, dancing yarn
> >
> > Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
> >
> > You're an idiot.

posted by Patrick 7:07 AM

Dog on a Skateboard

(From Pamela.)

This is really funny, CLICK HERE. (Windows Media Player needed.)

posted by Patrick 5:22 PM

MEDICAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED

(From Pamela.)

> Q. What does HMO stand for?

> > >A.This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

>Q. I just signed up for Medical Insurance. How difficult will it
be to choose the doctor I want?

> > >A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.

These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan.

But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.

>Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

> > >A. No. Only those you need.

>Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

>A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

>Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

> > >A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment

>Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the
name brand.

I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.

What should I do?

> > >A. Poke yourself in the eye.

>Q. What if I'm away from home ! and I get sick?

> > >A. You really shouldn't do that.

>Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem.

Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

> > >A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, what's the harm in letting him take a shot at it?

>Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

> > >A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

posted by Patrick 3:07 PM

An Important Question

(From Pamela.)

Do you spend too much time on the computer?

If you answered yes, CLICK HERE.

posted by Patrick 12:56 PM

Ten Reasons Why Golf is Better than Sex

(From Bob)

> > #10 - A below par performance is considered good.
> >
> > #9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
> >
> > #8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
> >
> > #7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
> >
> > #6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.
> >
> > #5 - Three times a day is possible.
> >
> > #4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
> >
> > #3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
> >
> > #2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're
> > finished.
> >
> > And best of all................
> >
> > #1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
> >
> >

posted by Patrick 12:21 PM

What Makes 100%?

(From Bob, our Bayside correspondent.)

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?




Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:




If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.




Then:




H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%








and






K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%




But,




A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%




And,




B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%




AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.




A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%




So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.



------------------------------------------------------------------

posted by Patrick 11:47 AM

To Realize...

(From Pamela.)

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has
Given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has
Won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

Time waits For no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Do not keep this letter.

Forward it to friends to whom you wish good luck
Peace, love and prosperity to all!

posted by Patrick 6:41 AM

A Recent Study...

(From Marian.)

A recent study found out which days men prefer to
> > have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage
> > in sexual activity on the days that started with the
> > letter "T".
> >
> > Examples of those days are as follows:
> >
> > Tuesday
> >
> > Thursday
> >
> > Thanksgiving
> >
> > Today
> >
> > Tomorrow
> >
> > Thaturday
> >
> > Thunday
> > _________________________________
> > A recent survey was conducted to discover why men
> > get out of bed in the middle of the night:
> >
> > 5% said it was to get a glass of water
> >
> > 12% said it was to go to the toilet
> >
> > 83% said it was to go home
> >__________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?
> >
> > (A) Nudity
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
> >
> > (A) 45 lbs
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
> >
> > (A) 45 minutes
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"
> >
> > (A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
> >
> > (A) A golden retriever
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q) What' s the difference between a southern zoo
> > and a northern zoo?
> >
> > (A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal
> > on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
> > __________________________________
> >
> > (Q ) What's the difference between a northern
> > fairytale and a southern fairytale?
> >
> > (A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".
> >
> > A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna
> > believe this shit.

posted by Patrick 6:32 AM

Someone good at Scrabble

(From Pamela.)

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you
rearrange the letters (with no letters left over and using each letter only
once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

posted by Patrick 3:25 PM

You know you're living in 2004 when...

(From Pamela.)

> >
> >1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
> >
> >2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
> >
> >3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
> >
> >4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
> >
> >5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
don't have email addresses.
> >
> >6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.
> >
> >7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial
"9" to get an outside line.
> >
> >8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
> >
> >10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
> >
> >11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
> >
> >12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
> >
> >AND..............
> >
> >13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
> >
> >14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends."
> >
> >15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you
anymore,except to send you jokes from the net.
> >
> >16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
> >
> >17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
> >
> >AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends
> >....you know you want to.

posted by Patrick 2:57 AM

SIXTH GRADE RESEARCH

(From Marian and Pamela.)

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabITed by mummies and they
all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabITants have to live
elsewhere.


2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where
they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any
ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments.

He died before he ever reached Canada.


3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and
without them we wouldn't have history.

The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went
around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from
an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled biscuITs, and threw the java.


7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:
"Tee hee, Brutus."


8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was
cannonized by Bernard Shaw.


9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a
queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops
they all shouted "hurrah."


10. IT was an age of great inventions and discoveries.

Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

Another important invention was the circulation of
blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Fransis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest wrITer of the Renaissance was
William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an
example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by
Juliet.



12. WrITing at the same time as Shakespeare was
Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then
his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."


13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats
backwards and declared, "A horse divided against ITself cannot
stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.


14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
Precedent.

Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in
a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On
the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show.

They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
composITions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced
on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in
the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian
and half English. He was very large.


16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.


17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great
many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand
and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the
steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

posted by Patrick 5:16 PM

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